Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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