so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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