Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
