On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
