all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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