I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
