i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
