I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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