I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I FOUND THE LEGS
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Drunk is not a location!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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