I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize