So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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