Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
