this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
