you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You are the jesus of drinking
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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