i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize