these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
