What did we do last night that was yellow?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
