I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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