If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
