He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize