my soul wont recognize me after tonight
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize