Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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