No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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