Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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