We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Small penises have feelings too.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
