Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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