We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize