what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize