He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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