Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm really busy with my period
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