Apparently you make a good broom.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
