oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
