I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
