Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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