I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
