How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
