please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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