we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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