I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
