yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
