So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
