just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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