After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
