I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
