Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
