tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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