Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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