Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
