saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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