I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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