Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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