I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
