I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
