The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize