If that was your dad, he is hot
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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