I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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