Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
