hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
