Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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