Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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