and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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