Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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