hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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