I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
