My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize